You know, I used to think that my ED controlled my life. That drugs were going to be the death of me; or I would end up getting killed by something. Right now my head is in a different place. I am not to sure what I am doing or where I am going. All I know is right now I just want a fucking break. This past month of my separation has been a blast. When I don't have to think about him I am happy and I feel a freedom that I have never felt before. So if I can feel this way knowing that hes not around, why do I instantly get scared when the thought of him even crosses my mind?
He sent me a text today, I didn't want to respond but something in me told me to. Its like he still has some sort of control over my life. The moment I saw this text message all of the feelings instantly came back its like nothing had even changed. My heart felt like it was being squeezed, I felt paranoid. I looked down at my plate and couldn't even finish my food. Everything that I feel like I worked so hard to accomplish was just thrown out the window.
All of this made me think, what is the real problem here? Are my previous relationships the underlying cause of my ED? Is it because its the only thing in my life that I can control? What am I doing to myself? I have finally figured out what it feels like to be happy and as soon as the problem (my ex husband) comes back into my life the feeling instantly returns. Its almost funny because its the exact same feeling I get whenever my mom decides to walk back into my life randomly.
Whatever the reason being is.... I am pretty scared at this point and I have no idea what to do. I do know that I met someone that I have an odd amount of things in common with. He is a pretty cool guy! I have made two new friends who I love right now for everything that they do! And I thought my life was going in the right direction. I don't even know what the right direction is anymore. My ED has a name; and its life. Its stress, its relationships, its everything thats ever gone wrong in my life that makes my appetite go away. The only thing that has gone right in my life is the fact that at least its consistent.
I only tell all of you this because I know that it could possibly help. What makes you think like I do? A person who truly has this disease understands that its not about the weight, its about the control. Almost like a drug or a substance; you can control it. That is until it gets out of control and you get to the point where you don't even know what is causing the urgency for control. But what if you figure out what it is thats causing you to feel this way? Can you just stop it? How do you make it go away?
Until next time my Flowers!
<3Bloom
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Friday, September 12, 2014
Dating when your marriage ends.
How are you supposed to just start dating again when you leave a marriage? That's the big question i've been asking myself here recently. It's been a month since my separation began and my best friend and her husband have taken it upon themselves to set me up on a "blind date" with one of his friends. This seems like something that would be normal for most people but for me it was horrific and scary!!
So of course I was the last one who knew about this date and it was sprung up on me at the last minute so how could I say no right? Right. So i'm thinking okay you know how bad could it be?
I go home get ready and meet up with my friend and her husband at their house so we can all ride together on this date. Before we even get to go we are a half hour late! They took so long to get ready!! So finally they are both ready and we end up leaving and meeting my "date." Now this is the hard part for me; im not good at meeting new people. We pull in and i see him get out of the car and im pretty sure my jaw dropped to the floor! This guy was gorgeous! Tall dark and handsome! (Army soldier) Tattoos all over his arms I mean I was in awe!
Then the nerves came. What am I supposed to say or do? This guy is way too good looking to even give me the time of day! Well we introduce ourselves and go into eat. This is the nicest place I have ever eaten! He sits next to me and we awkwardly make conversation with each other, while the chef cooks the food in front of us.
I had never been on a double date before, or a BLIND double date!! We get our food and everyone is getting along pretty well, After we get up to leave we all sit outside for a bit and smoke a cigarette and listen to my friend and her husband talk about whatever, honestly I couldn't even pay attention because all I could think about was whether or not this guy was into me.
Next thing I know i'm walking this guy to his car and getting away from our friends made things a little less awkward. We sat and talked for a minute or two, hugged goodbye and went our separate ways.
When I got home there was an unexpected text message on my phone telling me that he had a good time and that he wants to go on a second date!!!! AHHHH!!! So tonight i'm going on a second date with this guy. I am so nervous it is unreal! ( I am actually supposed to be getting ready right now because hes on his way)
I guess the moral of my whole rant is; if I can do it then you can do it! Nothing is holding me back from having a good time right now! Go out and live your life!!! Because it feels pretty good!
Until next time my Flowers!!
<3 Bloom
So of course I was the last one who knew about this date and it was sprung up on me at the last minute so how could I say no right? Right. So i'm thinking okay you know how bad could it be?
I go home get ready and meet up with my friend and her husband at their house so we can all ride together on this date. Before we even get to go we are a half hour late! They took so long to get ready!! So finally they are both ready and we end up leaving and meeting my "date." Now this is the hard part for me; im not good at meeting new people. We pull in and i see him get out of the car and im pretty sure my jaw dropped to the floor! This guy was gorgeous! Tall dark and handsome! (Army soldier) Tattoos all over his arms I mean I was in awe!
Then the nerves came. What am I supposed to say or do? This guy is way too good looking to even give me the time of day! Well we introduce ourselves and go into eat. This is the nicest place I have ever eaten! He sits next to me and we awkwardly make conversation with each other, while the chef cooks the food in front of us.
I had never been on a double date before, or a BLIND double date!! We get our food and everyone is getting along pretty well, After we get up to leave we all sit outside for a bit and smoke a cigarette and listen to my friend and her husband talk about whatever, honestly I couldn't even pay attention because all I could think about was whether or not this guy was into me.
Next thing I know i'm walking this guy to his car and getting away from our friends made things a little less awkward. We sat and talked for a minute or two, hugged goodbye and went our separate ways.
When I got home there was an unexpected text message on my phone telling me that he had a good time and that he wants to go on a second date!!!! AHHHH!!! So tonight i'm going on a second date with this guy. I am so nervous it is unreal! ( I am actually supposed to be getting ready right now because hes on his way)
I guess the moral of my whole rant is; if I can do it then you can do it! Nothing is holding me back from having a good time right now! Go out and live your life!!! Because it feels pretty good!
Until next time my Flowers!!
<3 Bloom
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Catching up
Hello there my Flowers!
I know it has been a bit since I have posted. I'd love to fill all of you in on what has been going on in my life. As you guys know I was married, well my marriage has come to an end... I am currently going through sepperation and divorce. Neither of which had anything to do with my ED. I might go into detail about how this relationship ended in a further blog. As of right now I will just let you know that its happening. It has been over a month now since ive been seperated and moved out of my husbands house. I moved back into my home town and am probably happier than I have been in a long time.
On a more positive note. I decided to finally try to recover since I can move on with my life. Recovery yet again isnt easy but I know I have to do it. Ive also decided to go back to school and get a degree in Criminal Justice and become a police officer!
So just catching up with you all! I have looked at all of your emails and hopefully responded to them all! If by any chance I didnt get an email you sent please let me know or send it again and ill make sure ill reply!!
Until next time my Flowers!!
<3 Bloom
I know it has been a bit since I have posted. I'd love to fill all of you in on what has been going on in my life. As you guys know I was married, well my marriage has come to an end... I am currently going through sepperation and divorce. Neither of which had anything to do with my ED. I might go into detail about how this relationship ended in a further blog. As of right now I will just let you know that its happening. It has been over a month now since ive been seperated and moved out of my husbands house. I moved back into my home town and am probably happier than I have been in a long time.
On a more positive note. I decided to finally try to recover since I can move on with my life. Recovery yet again isnt easy but I know I have to do it. Ive also decided to go back to school and get a degree in Criminal Justice and become a police officer!
So just catching up with you all! I have looked at all of your emails and hopefully responded to them all! If by any chance I didnt get an email you sent please let me know or send it again and ill make sure ill reply!!
Until next time my Flowers!!
<3 Bloom
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