The underlying problem

      You know, I used to think that my ED controlled my life. That drugs were going to be the death of me; or I would end up getting killed by something. Right now my head is in a different place. I am not to sure what I am doing or where I am going. All I know is right now I just want a fucking break. This past month of my separation has been a blast. When I don't have to think about him I am happy and I feel a freedom that I have never felt before. So if I can feel this way knowing that hes not around, why do I instantly get scared when the thought of him even crosses my mind?
   
      He sent me a text today, I didn't want to respond but something in me told me to. Its like he still has some sort of control over my life. The moment I saw this text message all of the feelings instantly came back its like nothing had even changed. My heart felt like it was being squeezed, I felt paranoid. I looked down at my plate and couldn't even finish my food. Everything that I feel like I worked so hard to accomplish was just thrown out the window.
   
      All of this made me think, what is the real problem here? Are my previous relationships the underlying cause of my ED? Is it because its the only thing in my life that I can control? What am I doing to myself? I have finally figured out what it feels like to be happy and as soon as the problem (my ex husband) comes back into my life the feeling instantly returns. Its almost funny because its the exact same feeling I get whenever my mom decides to walk back into my life randomly.
   
       Whatever the reason being is.... I am pretty scared at this point and I have no idea what to do. I do know that I met someone that I have an odd amount of things in common with. He is a pretty cool guy! I have made two new friends who I love right now for everything that they do! And I thought my life was going in the right direction. I don't even know what the right direction is anymore. My ED has a name; and its life. Its stress, its relationships, its everything thats ever gone wrong in my life that makes my appetite go away. The only thing that has gone right in my life is the fact that at least its consistent.

        I only tell all of you this because I know that it could possibly help. What makes you think like I do? A person who truly has this disease understands that its not about the weight, its about the control. Almost like a drug or a substance; you can control it. That is until it gets out of control and you get to the point where you don't even know what is causing the urgency for control. But what if you figure out what it is thats causing you to feel this way? Can you just stop it? How do you make it go away?


Until next time my Flowers!

<3Bloom