As my due date creeps up on me just three weeks away, I can't help but wonder how things are going to be after there's a baby around. I found out a few days ago that for some unknown reason the back of my right eye is actively bleeding, which is causing me to have vision issues. At this point i'm really just hoping I don't lose my sight in that eye all together.
Pregnancy has by far been one of the scariest, craziest and possibly worst experiences of my life. Don't get me wrong, I love that it happened and there isn't a word to describe how much i'm going to love my baby. I really just feel like he kind of hates me right now haha, The first trimester was nothing but morning sickness and sleeping, There was not a single food or drink that would stay down, and there was no such thing as energy anymore, I think I lost about 15 pounds.
The second trimester wasn't any better, the sickness never went away but I was able to actually eat and stay awake through out the day. Then the anxiety kicked in. Gaining weight was the worst thing I had to come into reality with. There were days I would just look in the mirror and cry for hours. I cried over everything, I sat and thought myself into such dark places every time I was alone and just cry for no reason whats so ever. Sometimes it would start from the time I woke up and did not end until the time I went to sleep at night. I'd go days without eating, depression was hitting me hard.
The third trimester hasn't gone much better, instead of crying now i've gone back to being sick and sleeping. At this very second i'm in the "GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME RIGHT NOW" stage of pregnancy. There's so much going on and not enough time or energy in the day to do it. My baby shower is in three days so hopefully all goes well there. Then from then on its just count down to baby. I don't remember if I mentioned or not but i'm having a boy! A stubborn boy at that.
Recovery is still a huge thing on my mind right now. Which is one of the reasons i'm so terrified, I want to say there wont be another relapse, I really do. There isn't really a way to tell whats going to happen in the future,I guess we will wait and see.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Possibly the beginning of something beautiful
Hello Flowers!!
It has been exactly one year and one day since I have looked back on this blog. So much has changed on my road to recovery. I decided to start taking my own advice for a change and getting more serious on the path of a healthier life.
For months I sat around a bit depressed on a hunt for some self discovery in a sense. Started a new job, met a new guy, lost that guy, thought about going back to my ex husband. Life was rough. For a little while there I started smoking over a pack a day, and did my best to stay away from drugs (not that it worked or anything.) I kind of just gave up. I felt like I had no business coming on here and talking to all of you guys about loving yourself when I was out hating myself every day. And I am so sorry guys I really feel like I let a lot of you down.
But for a change of mood here. When I was at my lowest I managed to find what seemed like my saving grace. Someone who did judge me for my harsh past; someone who would talk to me and let me in. Someone who sadly had just as many problems as I did at the time. I told him about my time in and out of hospitals, my battles with eating disorders and depression. I told him everything.
After a whole 24 hours, well...... we hooked up...... haha. Not going to lie, it was literally THE best sex I have ever had! I still wasn't eating much, still purging, but feeling a little more loved. I had not felt so wanted in a long time. I sound crazy right? I probably am. But we all are right? Needless to say the sex turned into a relationship and about 2 weeks later one day laying in bed I have no idea what came over me, but I told him I wanted to be his wife. Now, he was super freaked out but I was dead serious. He didn't leave me so he couldn't have been too freaked out haha.
Shortly after meeting what seemed like my prince charming the worst happened. The worst pain I have ever felt, extreme hunger pains every few hours, gallstones. If you've ever had this you know its HORRIBLE!!! Just another lovely side effect of this life I guess. Luckily I didn't end up needing to have surgery. However it did help put my mind in perspective and I was pretty determined to recover this time. Whatever I was doing must have worked because...... no more than 3 weeks later I found out I was......PREGNANT. How? I asked myself this every day considering I have had at least 4 doctors tell me that it would never happen. It makes you wonder if some things in life are just meant to be. Did I get pregnant because I was getting better or did it happen because I found the one I was meant to be with? I have no idea but I am not complaining!
I am very happy to say I made it to 21 years old!! I'm going to be a mom and am newly and happily married for about 6 months now!
oh and I finally got a new computer so I can finally get back to all of your emails!! please dont stop sending them!! I love hearing from you guys!
Until next time my Flowers!
-Bloom
It has been exactly one year and one day since I have looked back on this blog. So much has changed on my road to recovery. I decided to start taking my own advice for a change and getting more serious on the path of a healthier life.
For months I sat around a bit depressed on a hunt for some self discovery in a sense. Started a new job, met a new guy, lost that guy, thought about going back to my ex husband. Life was rough. For a little while there I started smoking over a pack a day, and did my best to stay away from drugs (not that it worked or anything.) I kind of just gave up. I felt like I had no business coming on here and talking to all of you guys about loving yourself when I was out hating myself every day. And I am so sorry guys I really feel like I let a lot of you down.
But for a change of mood here. When I was at my lowest I managed to find what seemed like my saving grace. Someone who did judge me for my harsh past; someone who would talk to me and let me in. Someone who sadly had just as many problems as I did at the time. I told him about my time in and out of hospitals, my battles with eating disorders and depression. I told him everything.
After a whole 24 hours, well...... we hooked up...... haha. Not going to lie, it was literally THE best sex I have ever had! I still wasn't eating much, still purging, but feeling a little more loved. I had not felt so wanted in a long time. I sound crazy right? I probably am. But we all are right? Needless to say the sex turned into a relationship and about 2 weeks later one day laying in bed I have no idea what came over me, but I told him I wanted to be his wife. Now, he was super freaked out but I was dead serious. He didn't leave me so he couldn't have been too freaked out haha.
Shortly after meeting what seemed like my prince charming the worst happened. The worst pain I have ever felt, extreme hunger pains every few hours, gallstones. If you've ever had this you know its HORRIBLE!!! Just another lovely side effect of this life I guess. Luckily I didn't end up needing to have surgery. However it did help put my mind in perspective and I was pretty determined to recover this time. Whatever I was doing must have worked because...... no more than 3 weeks later I found out I was......PREGNANT. How? I asked myself this every day considering I have had at least 4 doctors tell me that it would never happen. It makes you wonder if some things in life are just meant to be. Did I get pregnant because I was getting better or did it happen because I found the one I was meant to be with? I have no idea but I am not complaining!
I am very happy to say I made it to 21 years old!! I'm going to be a mom and am newly and happily married for about 6 months now!
oh and I finally got a new computer so I can finally get back to all of your emails!! please dont stop sending them!! I love hearing from you guys!
Until next time my Flowers!
-Bloom
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