my anorexia story

i noticed ive never really told anyone my story about how i got to where i am today. its a dreadfull place i will tell you. well first off i was never really thin as a kid im not really sure why; i was always outside and running around and whatnot and i never really ate bad. well eventually that took a tole on my life and ruined me. id always leave food on my plate hoping that one day it would all go away. everyone always said “oh its baby weight it will pass” well guess what IT NEVER DID!!! i had to do something. my mindset completely changed itss like i was a completely different person all of a sudden. by the time high school came around i was so tired of being the fat friend. my eating habbits changed and that changed me as a person. i was dark, depressed all the time and i hated everything. i tore up all my clothes i wrote on my walls i tried to cut the fat away but nothing worked.nothing was ever good enough, the pounds kept dropping and i was never satisfied i know everyone always saw me as the fat one alwayss. the constant stares of discust in everyones eyes killed me. my attitude got so bad i started fighting with my parents and acting out so they wouldnt see the real problem. when i was 17 i got emitted into the hospital for my problem. forced to recover. forced to change who i am so that everyone can sleep better at night. FUCK YOUR SLEEP! i didnt want to recover. recovery made me fat!!!! FAT FAT FAT!!!! thats all i see now.. thats all i saw then. all of this fat! i got to almost 200lbs all the way up to 180 and they all say i look beautiful. IM A FAT STUPID FAT ASS!!!! needless to say the voice in the back of my head has taken back over. im so disappointed with myself. Food isnt worth being thiss way. im miserable and i know its wrong. i didnt chose this life. i would never wish this on anyone. but i also know ill never be normal. and honestly i dont care to be normal. recovery isnt for everyone….. atleast not for me anyway