The underlying problem

      You know, I used to think that my ED controlled my life. That drugs were going to be the death of me; or I would end up getting killed by something. Right now my head is in a different place. I am not to sure what I am doing or where I am going. All I know is right now I just want a fucking break. This past month of my separation has been a blast. When I don't have to think about him I am happy and I feel a freedom that I have never felt before. So if I can feel this way knowing that hes not around, why do I instantly get scared when the thought of him even crosses my mind?
   
      He sent me a text today, I didn't want to respond but something in me told me to. Its like he still has some sort of control over my life. The moment I saw this text message all of the feelings instantly came back its like nothing had even changed. My heart felt like it was being squeezed, I felt paranoid. I looked down at my plate and couldn't even finish my food. Everything that I feel like I worked so hard to accomplish was just thrown out the window.
   
      All of this made me think, what is the real problem here? Are my previous relationships the underlying cause of my ED? Is it because its the only thing in my life that I can control? What am I doing to myself? I have finally figured out what it feels like to be happy and as soon as the problem (my ex husband) comes back into my life the feeling instantly returns. Its almost funny because its the exact same feeling I get whenever my mom decides to walk back into my life randomly.
   
       Whatever the reason being is.... I am pretty scared at this point and I have no idea what to do. I do know that I met someone that I have an odd amount of things in common with. He is a pretty cool guy! I have made two new friends who I love right now for everything that they do! And I thought my life was going in the right direction. I don't even know what the right direction is anymore. My ED has a name; and its life. Its stress, its relationships, its everything thats ever gone wrong in my life that makes my appetite go away. The only thing that has gone right in my life is the fact that at least its consistent.

        I only tell all of you this because I know that it could possibly help. What makes you think like I do? A person who truly has this disease understands that its not about the weight, its about the control. Almost like a drug or a substance; you can control it. That is until it gets out of control and you get to the point where you don't even know what is causing the urgency for control. But what if you figure out what it is thats causing you to feel this way? Can you just stop it? How do you make it go away?


Until next time my Flowers!

<3Bloom

Dating when your marriage ends.

       How are you supposed to just start dating again when you leave a marriage? That's the big question i've been asking myself here recently.  It's been a month since my separation began and my best friend and her husband have taken it upon themselves to set me up on a "blind date" with one of his friends. This seems like something that would be normal for most people but for me it was horrific and scary!!
       So of course I was the last one who knew about this date and it was sprung up on me at the last minute so how could I say  no right? Right. So i'm thinking okay you know how bad could it be?
      I go home get ready and meet up with my friend and her husband at their house so we can all ride together on this date. Before we even get to go we are a half hour late! They took so long to get ready!! So finally they are both ready and we end up leaving and meeting my "date." Now this is the hard part for me; im not good at meeting new people. We pull in and i see him get out of the car and im pretty sure my jaw dropped to the floor! This guy was gorgeous! Tall dark and handsome! (Army soldier) Tattoos all over his arms I mean I was in awe!
      Then the nerves came. What am I supposed to say or do? This guy is way too good looking to even give me the time of day! Well we introduce ourselves and go into eat. This is the nicest place I have ever eaten! He sits next to me and we awkwardly make conversation with each other, while the chef cooks the food in front of us.
      I had never been on a double date before, or a BLIND double date!! We get our food and everyone is getting along pretty well, After we get up to leave we all sit outside for a bit and smoke a cigarette and listen to my friend and her husband talk about whatever, honestly I couldn't even pay attention because all I could think about was whether or not this guy was into me.
      Next thing I know i'm walking this guy to his car and getting away from our friends made things a little less awkward. We sat and talked for a minute or two, hugged goodbye and went our separate ways.

When I got home there was an unexpected text message on my phone telling me that he had a good time and that he wants to go on a second date!!!! AHHHH!!! So tonight i'm going on a second date with this guy. I am so nervous it is unreal! ( I am actually supposed to be getting ready right now because hes on his way)

      I guess the moral of my whole rant is; if I can do  it then you can do it! Nothing is holding me back from having a good time right now! Go out and live your life!!! Because it feels pretty good!

Until next time my Flowers!!

<3 Bloom

Catching up

Hello there my Flowers!

        I know it has been a bit since I have posted. I'd love to fill all of you in on what has been going on in my life. As you guys know I was married, well my marriage has come to an end... I am currently going through sepperation and divorce. Neither of which had anything to do with my ED. I might go into detail about how this relationship ended in a further blog. As of right now I will just let you know that its happening. It has been over a month now since ive been seperated and moved out of my husbands house. I moved back into my home town and am probably happier than I have been in a long time.

        On a more positive note. I decided to finally try to recover since I can move on with my life. Recovery yet again isnt easy but I know I have to do it. Ive also decided to go back to school and get a degree in Criminal Justice and become a police officer!
           
         So just catching up with you all! I have looked at all of your emails and hopefully responded to them all! If by any chance I didnt get an email you sent please let me know or send it again and ill make sure ill reply!!

Until next time my Flowers!!

<3 Bloom

Eating Disorders and Social Media

Logging on to a socail media site with an eating disorder is like being held captive in a cage and watching all of the free people run around and play. Its our own form of torture. We can pretend we're normal and at the same time hate everyone that actually is. I on the other hand actually deleted my social media account yesterday. It took some time and I had been wanting to get rid of it for a while now, but I was always afraid. Then finally something happened when I logged on and devistated me, depressed me for days. My ex best friend is PREGNANT.

         It was literrally the first thing I saw when I logged in; and I spent the rest of the day wondering how this could happen for her and not for me. For some unknown reason I am a broken woman and cannot concieve a child. So seeing people that can, especially people close to me really hits me hard. And if anyone has been on facebook lately they know that everyone is getting pregnant right now and Im not too sure why. But I will say this, if you are like me GET THE FUCK OFF OF FACEBOOK. Its only going to ruin your life and bring you down. Between the pictures of food that are constantly popping up and everyone having babies, you cant catch a break. Its like our own personal online hell.

         Why torture yourself? Do you keep it to feel normal? Well there are other sites out there that you can go to that are a lot better than facebook. For example I found a site, a social media site, that I get on way more than I ever got on facebook. Its called myproana.com. Dont let the name fool you, no one there is actually "pro ana."  From what I have found on my time there is a bunch of really nice and like minded people. There is lots of love and support there and its basically one big family. I have gotten help with many problems there. I have even met some of the girls in person! They helped me stop purging. They always let me know im not alone. It really is just the best place to be. And theres no worry of food ever coming up or pictures of pregnant friends. Its  just, awesome.

           For the record, no I do not run the site, I am not an admin on the site, I dont pay for anything on the site. I just really believe in what they are doing to help. And if they ever went away I would be devistated. 

Until next time my Flowers!
<3Bloom

Why "normal" people will never understand Eating disorders.

Recently I decided that it was going to be a good idea to tell my in laws about my ED. That didn't turn out to be as bad as I thought it was going to be. They took it pretty well. The only thing that comes with telling someone is the unavoidable question, "well why do you have an eating disorder?" Well I knew this question was coming but had no idea how to answer it. I know if I explain they wont understand, but if I don't try to explain they will never stop asking. So I tried to explain what its all about and I just got this big dumbfounded look like they had no idea what I was talking about.

        So I obviously know that you don't understand an ED unless you have an ED. No one ever gets that its about control and not about being skinny. Yes, being skinny comes with it, like an addiction. BUT for the most part its about control. People don't seem to get that when you tell them. I took a look around the Internet to try and figure out why. I want to make people understand where we come from; ESPECIALLY if you are someone who isn't looking for recovery. I just wanna stand up and be like "I'M A PERSON TOO! UNDERSTAND ME!!"


        When I set out on my journey I found some pretty disturbing stuff. Now I heard that this stuff was out there before but I never thought that anyone was serious. There are people out there that think this disease is a diet, and a lifestyle choice. This broke my heart. Like I could not believe my eyes. This is what I found: http://thinitheonlything.weebly.com/

When you go to this site this is the first thing you see.

Ana (Anorexia or Anamadim depending on who you are) Is a lifestyle choice, it is your choice to live with out food. The goal is to live on air and water, food used intermittently. Diet pills and laxatives are our saviour.


The Pledge

I pledge my obedience, to the Voice, of the Kingdom of Ana and Thins.

And to the control, for which I stand, one nation.

Under Ana.

Indestructible.

For judgement and justice for all.


With Ana we are all indestructible. It is our weapon, our strength. We will be immortal in photographs

of our thinness. Thinness is power. Power is control, which is all strength.

        This alone told me so much. First of all, NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!! This is not what its like at all!! What the hell is going on in these peoples head I have no idea! This is like a satanic ED worshiping site. There are prayers and ways you can "summon" this demon? What the actual fuck? This is the reason why no one gets it! This is the reason why this disease goes untreated every day because no one takes it seriously! This is why our lives are hell! So I'd like to build awareness to help educate people and help them understand how these things happen so we can avoid them in the first place. I want to rid the world of "ANA."

If you or anyone you know is suffering, and wants help and to build awareness please email me at bloomthin@yahoo.com. We can help the world understand our side.

Until next time my Flowers!
<3 Bloom

Is having an eating disorder worse the second time around?

Most people seem to think that after you get the okay from the doctor that you are officially cured of your illness. In most cases that's true; but when it comes to ED it couldn't be more far from it. I got the okay 3 years ago when I was released from the hospital for "good behavior" Its been 4 months since I've started restricting again and I've lost 30 pounds.

        Looking in the mirror today I actually noticed the change. My cheeks are more defined and I can see my collar bone again. No one really notices yet. There's my mother in law who is always trying to force me to eat but, shes always been that way. Everyone else just thinks I've dropped a few pounds. Its okay for now. Ha I say that like there is nothing wrong with what I'm doing. I've been a lot harder on myself this time around than I ever was the first time. Not only have I been restricting but the very little bit I do eat gets purged out,

        This isn't fun for me. I've never been sure why relapse is so common with an ED you'd think we wanna stay healthy. I guess not. Even I don't know the answer to that question. I did however take the time to ask around to see if I can find anyone else that has relapsed and is going through the same things that I'm going through right now. Sadly as much as I hate to see it there are plenty of others out there that are dealing with this too.

         If this applies to you, just know that there are people out there who can help you if you are looking for help. If you just need someone to talk to you can always email me! I am here for support and I do not judge anyone on their imperfections. I know how hard it is to go through this and if I can make anyone's life easier that's exactly what id like to do! So here it is for the world to see! My personal email address is bloomthin@yahoo.com. I look forward to hearing from you guys!!

Until next time my Flowers!
<3 Bloom

Eating disorders and Addiction

        We know that eating disorders are about control. But what about the things that we cant control; things like addictions? Ive noticed recently that I have a problem with addiction. Now i know you're going to ask, how does this connect to your ED? It connects because we have to find that one thing that is going to replace the food in our lives. Most people would be amazed by what we can get ourselves addicted to.

        Ive seen people develop smoking addictions, shopping addictions, hell even porn addictions. I just like any other person suffering with an ED have my share of addictions.

My addictions and the reasons behind them:

1. Laxatives, this one got really bad, to the point where i was putting liquid lax into my cereal. I like them because they make me empty and I hate throwing up.

2. The "Just dance" games, first of all they are so much fun, second off all its a workout and I can play for hours and no one questions me.

3. Porn, yes that one was me. It really passes the time. Sometimes its not even for sexual pleasure or anything it just kills time.

A lot of times I think that there's a deeper reason to why we get addicted to things so easily. I feel like it has something to do with our sense of control; because we get to control what goes in to our bodies and how much of it. Or what we do and how long we do it. Most peoples addictions depend on where their eating disorder stemmed from. For example drug and alcohol addictions could stem from a misguided past, abuse or depression. My eating disorder stemmed from bad childhood memories, which is why I feel I'm so child like today and feel the need to pass my time playing endless dance games.
So I wanna know, what are your addictions? Why do you do them? and Where did they come from? I recently asked a group of people with eating disorders what some of their addictions are and I got some pretty amazing responses.

"Porn,sex,alcohol, and coffee"

"cutting, alcohol, drugs, coffee..."

"Coffee and cigarettes "

"Cutting, porn (Never cutting porn though Yes this is a thing), Soda"

        Ive noticed a lot of people with an ED have many of the same addictions. Is there something in our brains that triggers the addiction when we go without food? Do different disorders have different addictions?? I haven't found too much research on the subject but its definitely something id like to continue at a later date. If you know the reasons feel free to share!!

Until next time my Flowers!
<3Bloom

Working with an Eating Disorder

Many people suffering from eating disorders have had these symptoms since childhood, and they usually don't just disappear when you get older. So what happens when you get older and have to get a job or try and start a career? Working with an eating disorder can be difficult in more ways than one. For example if you are a waitress (like I was for 4 years) you are surrounded my food all day long; and its basically torture. What happens after you get out of the waitressing gig and are finally starting your career in a nice office? You can never escape food. People will always want to "grab some lunch" with you or bring you "treats."

        This is probably the hardest thing for me to deal with at work. Its not even work related and it can just be so stressful. There has to be a way around it right? Maybe, and maybe not. I tried looking online for some answers to this question. How exactly are WE supposed to deal with people that don't have an eating disorder? They will more than likely throw some rude comments at us, or even worse, some very triggering comments. Although from what I saw there are no answers on the oh-so-great interweb to help us out.

        These are just a few ways that Ive learned to deal with these people.
First of all I find ways to avoid being asked any questions at all times. Ive learned that keeping things in my hands and looking busy doesn't really give people the opportunity to ask you what you are doing or notice anything is up.

        If there ever is a time where someone stops you just to confront you in any way about your eating habits; don't panic. There are ways around this.
I asked a group of people that are dealing with their eating disorders at work how they handle it. Here are some of the responses I got:

"I work in a bed shop, and I am the youngest employee. I am 20 years old... everyone else is over 40.I don't have to deal with any of the staff asking me to go out for lunch because we all have lunch at different times.I find it pretty easy to turn down food that other people try to offer me because I'm vegan, and everyone at my work is super against veganism.I'm actually finding it pretty hard at the moment to deal with people constantly harassing me about losing too much weight and not eating at work."

"I work in a cafe hahaha I just usually work through lunch but I get asked almost everyday why I don't eat, I usually say I had a large breakfast or I'm saving myself to go for a meal later. I've been told km too thin by staff and customers I can usually lie and say I have a fast metabolism. I'm the cook so I don't have to deal with other people cooking and bringing it to me."

 "I smoke...so I grab a coffee and sit in the smoking area with my fellow smokers so no one asks me to get anything to eat on my breaks."

        I've recently come up with a system that will work in most cases in any work situation. I like to call it "one and done" and that means you give them one chance then they are done. For example: you are at work and Jenny from accounting asks you why you never eat. You can say something like "eating at work makes me tired" or anything you come up with. If she doesn't ask you again then you are okay. It really isn't any of her business to begin with but people in this day and age really don't know how to mind their own business. If she brings the subject up again at a later time that is the point where I would tell her to mind her own, and immediately bring the issue to your management. Technically it is considered harassment and they will more than likely deal with her and you will be okay from then on. Now if your manager is the one bringing this up, there are numbers you can call to speak to someone anonymously about it.

        No one is going to understand what you are going through except for you. It is your responsibility to take action when being harassed or judged, and if you don't do anything about it then its really your own fault. So stand up for yourself and make work a less stressful environment.

Until next time my Flowers
<3Bloom

My experience with Recovery and Relapse

       
My experience with Recovery and Relapse (Let's call them R&R).

          Having an eating disorder (ED) is a tricky thing. It is an illness, and probably the most complex illness to have.  The subject of eating disorders comes up more and more every day from what I have seen. You never REALLY understand it unless you experience it first hand. The same goes for R&R. Most (normal) people believe that, you get an ED, you go to treatment, you recover and then everything is okay right? WRONG, that could not be more wrong. So from an educational standpoint I'd like to share my experience with you on Recovery and Relapse.

          First of all I have never actually met anyone with an ED (myself included) that wants to recover. It's usually forced upon us by family and loved ones, with good intentions of course. My treatment was a bit different. I should probably start from the beginning.

          My mother and I have never had the best relationship; both of us have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder so you can just imagine how that is, and we fought all the time. Usually about different things, boys, friends, me being crazy, but ill save that for another day. Now I know what you're thinking; what does this have to do with your eating disorder? Well that's how it all started. My bad relationship with her lead to depression, which lead me to not having an appetite, which lead to my first weight loss. At the time I didn't really know anything about ED's or even that I was slowly developing one. I had got a job at this diner as a waitress just to get out of the house when I wasn't in school so I never really had any time to eat.

          After that I dropped from 140 pounds to around 120 pounds in about a month. That's when it hit me. That's also when it started to hit everyone else. I had NEVER weighed that little, I was always bigger as a kid. Well a couple months later I moved into my dads house, I lived there for about a month before that turned into complete shit. I was 17 and an idiot because I tried to run away from home. I figured it was either run away or kill myself, and I don't like being hurt so I ran. After I got carried back home by the cops (after they found me) my dad sent me straight back to my moms. At this time I hadn't been diagnosed with an ED yet, but I got to around 90 pounds. My mom decided she was going to send me to the hospital for mental illness and suicide watch.

          While at the hospital they had me answer all these questions in a book, almost like a test where you fill in the bubbles. Well about a day later a doctor took me aside into a room and asked me if anyone had ever spoken to me about my eating disorder. I probably gave this guy the dumbest look because I had no idea what he was talking about. He told me that basically he has suspected it and it was confirmed when he read my test results; that I had all the signs. I was covered in bruises, my hair was falling out, my skin was dry, my mood swings and depression all linked to this ED.

         This was a lot to take in, because it just wasn't something you heard every day and I didn't really have any idea. He told me that I was going to be put on treatment for ED from that point on; I had to gain some weight. So they had me on an eating plan, they started out with just the basic 3 meals a day. I couldn't even remember the last time I had eaten a full meal, now you want me to eat 3 a day? Okay, needless to say that didn't go so well. They started taking things away from me, like my outside time and social time, until I ate something. I'm not one for being held up so I ate to shut them up. Eating didn't come easy, I really wanted to eat I was tired of being sick. I was so used to not eating that it made me sick in the beginning. Little by little it got better, I was there for about a month and I put on around 15 pounds which they were okay with (for my height I'm supposed to weigh from 100-115 pounds).

        I felt great I thought I could really do this and be okay. I was released and somewhat happy with my progress. When I got back home things didn't really get any better as far as me and my mom. But on the bright side I was eating right? The doctor said I'm okay right? I started letting myself eat all the things I couldn't eat before like cake and chips and a bunch of junk. By the time my graduation came around a year later I weighed 145 pounds and people were telling me how good I looked. It was okay. A week after I graduated high school I moved out of my moms house with my boyfriend, a year later I noticed I was up to 180 pounds. THEN IT HIT ME..... I got FAT! How did I let myself go so far? I had no idea I had lost control. I needed to get my control back!

       Now I am covered in stretch marks, crying myself to sleep. I felt so brainwashed into believing that I'd be happy living like this. None of my clothes fit, nothing was okay anymore. I started exercising again, cutting back my portions. I thought I was going to do it the "healthy" way. That lead to cutting back even more and more. Now we are pretty much caught up to today. I have been relapsed since April this year 2014. Ive lost 23 pounds since I've gotten back to my old habits. Things haven't been easy, but right now I know that I cant stop and I really don't want to.

         Recovery was and is the hardest thing I have ever experienced, and in no way is it permanent. There are a lucky few that recover and stay recovered. As for me I suppose I wasn't one of the lucky ones. I do love hearing other peoples recovery stories, I am always cheering you guys on to recovery! I know it's hard but hopefully you all can stick it out and not end up like me! I love you all!
Please note, this all took place over a time period of about 5 years, it didn't happen over night and neither does recovery. If you are going through recovery now I wish you the best of luck!


              Until next time my Flowers!
          <3 Bloom

Handling Family Vacations with an Eating Disorder

          Have you ever realized that when you have an eating disorder; family vacations and outings become a living nightmare? As if living with these people isn't already bad enough now you are being shoved into a strange place with them and they want to be with you constantly. I know when you're younger you can definitely relate; but what happens when you're older? I'll tell you what happens.... IT GETS WORSE. I am 20 years old and married and I still struggle with family outings; especially with my in-laws who have no idea that I have anything close to an eating disorder. It wouldn't be as bad if these people weren't complete food junkies. All they want to do is eat!
 
          Now I'm not saying that I don't appreciate the thought but I cant exactly use the usual excuses when on an outing ("I'm not hungry," I already ate," "I don't feel good" etc...). So then what do you do? Well... me personally, order something small, make lots of conversation, take 3 bites and only 3, get a box and take the rest home "for later." Now there's just finding time to exercise.
 
I do very much have my ways of getting around this. Now if you have someone that likes to shop, like my mother in law, this will be very easy. Find the nearest shopping center and walk for hours! It's fun, you get to work out, and you might get a new pair of shoes out of it. Take a walk around and enjoy the scenery, do something and anything to get your and their mind off of anything food related. If you have a bike take it and go for a bike ride. You could even ride your bike to the restaurant; that way you have no way of bringing your leftovers back with you. Then later that night sneak some crunches and sit-ups in. This is just what I do personally. I'm sure there are plenty of other methods you could take depending where you are going.
 
            It really just takes a lot of the stress off of being out and about with your family, so you can actually enjoy your vacations! I mean that's what they are there for anyway. So make good memories not miserable ones. :) Just remember to stay hydrated and if you're going to eat don't eat junk. Eat healthy.

Until next time my Flowers
<3 Bloom

Why we like films about Eating Disorders

        Hello Flowers! It has been recently brought to my attention that a lot of people with some type of eating disorder (including myself) for some reason enjoy watching movies and documentaries on the subject. Now im not 100% sure why we do this, we just do. If you are like me i'm always looking for a new one. I have come across a youtube channel that I really like. The channel is called anamiaflowergirl.
I dont know her personally but I have taken a liking to her page. She has just about if not every movie and documentary on eating disorders even some on self harm. So when yall are at home looking for something to do this will keep you occupied for hours. 


        I have a few links of videos that I think are good to educate others of what an eating disorder feels like (they mostly relate to anorexia because thats what I have and I personally cannot tell you what it is like to have any other really)

This one I really like; its a short film of a girl battling anorexia. I will warn you now it is a bit dark in a creepy sort; VERY GOOD! but TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!!!  (just in case)

The Unspoken-Short film about eating disorders

This one has spanish captions and the video itself is good.

Clipe Anorexia

Here is a few more basically just for educational purposes. (anorexia)

The Reality of Eating Disorders

Inside Ana's Head

To Be Skinny

Anorexia Nervosa

and heres some videos on bulimia (again for educational purposes)

Side Effects From Bulimia I've Experienced

Bulimia- a Short Film

Bulimia Nervosa PSA

Bulimai (actual binge) secrets revealed!!!

7 Bulimia Facts You Have To Know

      Now I did take it apon myself to put it out there and actually ask a comunity of people who are going through eating disorders exactly why they like watching these sorts of videos and movies and here are a few responses I got... (the names of these people will remain anonymos for privacy reasons)

"It makes me excited I guess, idk they make me feel good and I'm almost like cheering on the main characters dangerous behaviours while watching."

"I like the documentaries even if it shows the downfalls of the disorder because I'm like "I will be better"

"It makes me feel like I'm not alone in ruining myself"

"Personally to get motivated to get skinny."

"I think it's sort of something that anyone with a problem does, most people with a sickness try to learn as much about it as they can, probably to try to understand it better "

         Just a few responses I got, now MY personal reason for watching these films and documentaries is well, I do like to understand what is going on with me. Whenever I see a new symptom I like to know where its coming from. These movies are also motivation in 2 ways, in a recovery sense as in, i dont want to end up with all those issues, or in a weightloss sense as in, I need to figure out how to lose the weight I want to lose without being so down all the time and ruining my life. They do scare me especially since I have been through recovery before and I do NOT want that again. In a way the make me want to be healthier. On top of all of that from a crituque stand point, they usually have a decent plot to them even if the movie isnt completely accurate atleast the message behind the movie is usually still the same.

Thats all for now my Flowers, untill net time!

<3Bloom

my anorexia story

i noticed ive never really told anyone my story about how i got to where i am today. its a dreadfull place i will tell you. well first off i was never really thin as a kid im not really sure why; i was always outside and running around and whatnot and i never really ate bad. well eventually that took a tole on my life and ruined me. id always leave food on my plate hoping that one day it would all go away. everyone always said “oh its baby weight it will pass” well guess what IT NEVER DID!!! i had to do something. my mindset completely changed itss like i was a completely different person all of a sudden. by the time high school came around i was so tired of being the fat friend. my eating habbits changed and that changed me as a person. i was dark, depressed all the time and i hated everything. i tore up all my clothes i wrote on my walls i tried to cut the fat away but nothing worked.nothing was ever good enough, the pounds kept dropping and i was never satisfied i know everyone always saw me as the fat one alwayss. the constant stares of discust in everyones eyes killed me. my attitude got so bad i started fighting with my parents and acting out so they wouldnt see the real problem. when i was 17 i got emitted into the hospital for my problem. forced to recover. forced to change who i am so that everyone can sleep better at night. FUCK YOUR SLEEP! i didnt want to recover. recovery made me fat!!!! FAT FAT FAT!!!! thats all i see now.. thats all i saw then. all of this fat! i got to almost 200lbs all the way up to 180 and they all say i look beautiful. IM A FAT STUPID FAT ASS!!!! needless to say the voice in the back of my head has taken back over. im so disappointed with myself. Food isnt worth being thiss way. im miserable and i know its wrong. i didnt chose this life. i would never wish this on anyone. but i also know ill never be normal. and honestly i dont care to be normal. recovery isnt for everyone….. atleast not for me anyway

The Reality of Eating Disorders TW

ok so about all of the people on here who keep asking how to lose weight as quick as possible.... and for "tips and motivation" please just let me say... there are some people here who actually have a problem. why would you wish this apon yourself?? do you think that starving is fun?? is anorexia cool?? does it make you look cool?? is it in style?? why?? i would NEVER EVER EVER wish it on anyone. 

please tell me... do you actually know anything about this horrid disease.

well for those of you that think its a joke please lett me tell you what happens.

mood swings (BIG ONES)

bad breath (better start carrying your toothbrush everywhere)

pain, joints, headaches, hunger pains (ibeprophen is your best friend)

you pretty much live at the drs office (hope you have a hot doctor)

coldness (all the god damn time)

your hair falls out (hope you didnt like it)

everyone hates you (even you)

you lose all of your friends (better find some as fucked up as you)

depression becomes normal (crying yourself to sleep is now a routine)

weighing yourself becomes something you must do all day long (its not fun, it makes things even worse)

food no longer becomes something you enjoy (its just a number on a page and eventually you will know the calorie intake of everything ever made)

this is just the beginning. please dont put yourself through this just because you want to lose some weight. RUN AWAY!!!!! dont let it control you. 

seriously for those of you who think this is cool, that you can just "go ana" or whatever. its not cool and its not fun and its really offensive for those of us who actually have problems. sorry if you dont like it but its the truth get over it. youll thank me later.

Lets just say its been a hell of a week.

First of all before I even get started let me go ahead and say, this blog will contain many images and topics concerning different eating disorders. If you are not comfortable seeing these things GET OUT NOW! 

Now that, thats out of the way; over the past few days I thought about taking a crack at tumblr and seeing what the blogging world would be like and how people would react to the things that go on inside my mind. Well needless to say it lasted a total of 3 days before they kicked me off of there. Not only was I bashed and attacked for my thoughts by multiple people I was banned for "glorifying eating disorders" which is not what i'm about. I do love some good thinspo dont get me wrong it is a pleasure of mine looking at it and thinking "wow this could be me one day" but in no way shape or for have I or will I ever encourage anyone to have an eating disorder. Thats basically what I was being accused of. 

Since tumblr cant handle whats going on in my brain I have moved on to bigger and better things, I have a judgement free, instagram coming soon for all of your viewing and I will keep you guys posted on that when its up and running so you all can follow. 

Considering this blog is dedicated to my life with this illness, if anyone out there needs a friend to vent to, someone to ask advice, needs any kind of support or just wants to say hi, you can message me or text me on kik. my kik is kblehm

If you like something, or want something brought up dont hesitate to ask :) im open to sugestions.